A couple of months ago I was on a group phone call with my writing mentor. My mind was preoccupied with a heartache intend on burrowing canyons the size of the grand canyon in to my heart.
I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, I wanted everyone to know how painful this heartache was, how much I wanted to expose the details, then pack my stuff and leave to start over somewhere else. Leaving it all behind, wide canyon and all.
You cannot escape your heart.
As the call progressed and I listened the best I could through the vail of my pain, my mentor asked us to create a list of goals. The goals were supposed to be birthed from the the list of wants.
Wait, what? My wants?
I was a bit at a loss. As a driven woman with a family, a business, a sprouting ministry I had lots of wants but my goals that informed my daily tasks were not necessarily congruent with my wants or dreams.
I guess that’s perhaps because I was taught, particularly in church, that wanting is selfish.
And although I have yet to meet anyone who isn’t struggling with their ego, we are taught to recognize selfishness in others but never openly admit our own.
The motto is to starve your wants and phlegmatically wait for the “Will of God” to manifest in your life.
But really, I read that we are created beings, purposed, given dreams, God care about desires of our heart, God listens intently to us and works WITH and THROUGH us.
We are meant to participate, actively work out our faith, to feed the hungry and love the poor to reach out to every man and woman. All are welcome and when they come we are meant to include them into the fold of our lives.
What DO I WANT? What do I DREAM ABOUT?
What does inform my weekly goals and daily tasks?
Here are some pieces.
I dream of people coming together to live and share the Good New. For grace to be the thread in the story of our life. People welcoming other people with all of their faults and sins hanging out like loose fringes on a beautifully knitted nordic sweater. Pulled and broken pieces of life brought to a common table, the table of the cup and the broken bread. Community.
I dream that we share life fully and bravely. Confessing our sins, not only the ones that simply make us feel important or righteous, but all acts intended to separate and exclude = all sins. Especially those that have hurt one another. The infractions committed against the One whose life, death and resurrection has called us to unity.
I have been intolerant, belligerent, arrogant, unbelievably unfair and unkind to my brothers and sister. Yet, the grace of God abides and saves and rescues and changes and transform even me. It cracks down on man made walls and shines through the cracks. The Good News is that “He Himself is our peace, who has made us one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility…”
Grace creates the necessary cracks in our pervasive separations. Grace is always looking to create union and inspire the great commandment – “love God and love your neighbor”.
So, I cannot be a follower of The Way and also lay brick and mortar on the wall of hostility.
My dream is to be filled with the Spirit of God and take down walls.
My church community, in love and peace, always with passion in her voice and sometimes with hands raised to the heavens in frustration at the fear ruling my heart into intolerance, she (the church) has directed, guided and made me aware of the holy ground all around me.
So, when Elora Ramirez asks; What are your wants, and do your goals come out of your wants?
I now have something to hold them up against.
The dreams and wants are like a stained glass window that my goals are filtered through.
May our goals and tasks, our daily life break through the colored pieces, may everything we do be life giving to one another.